Lucifer in the Mirror

14/11/2008

So your back to play round four are you? 

I just saw you lurking at me from across the room, igniting layers upon layers as you let it it surround the air breezing around us. 

I inhale, carefully at first of course, always the way i was taught to encourage things, proceed through this world with caution, observe from the outside before jumping in. 

You know more about this than i do, well part of you does. 

The part that you’ve hidden and i’ve taken. 

The part of you that loved me. The evil and delicious part of you that is being deprived from me right now. You made me fall in love with you, and then you left me. I fucking hate you for that, its downright obvious  what you did to me. 

You call me cruel for cheating on you, well your 100 x worse for leaving me, let karma roll out its dirty and sly path in front of us now. 

Lets allow time to direct us too whatever lies ahead, expect the unexpected.
I’m fucked and i’m dying. 

How does it feel? 

Because its tearing me apart. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR THIS, 

HOW DOES IT FUCKING FEEL 

I HOPE THIS FUCKING KILLS YOU,

 

YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER AND THE EARTH WILL SWALLOW YOU WHOLE FOR THIS DREADFUL REALM YOU LEFT ME IN.

ALONE, COLD, SHIVERING IN THE DARK.

You speak in tongues within my head, the oh so obvious black and white, devil and god dichotomy that rages inside your manic depressive heart.  

Your moods will one day coexist with mine again, i believe and then you will completely understand again. 

But your out their, surging with manic desires as i watch you evolve. 

You told me i was fucking ugly, you hurt me terribly. You knew it would kill me, you knew that this would kill me, but you carried on with your selfish fucking shit. You wanted to get rid of me in the classiest and most eloquent way possible, a way you could blame me directly for the breakup- oh she cheated on me, she deserved me leaving her. But that just gave you an excuse didn’t it? Another fucking excuse to run and hide from the raging truth i had exposed to you. The water will never wash this away, one day maybe but not today, or tomorrow, or even two thousand centuries on ward will the water wash it away, but regardless still maybe one day.
I hate you, i hate you for the cruelty you rolled amongst my life. Your  A FUCKING MANIAC, YOU PSYCHOPATH. 
 
Remember this when you fall asleep each night, with alcohol flooding your veins and the taste of other girls painted across your lips. 

Remember that you spoke these undying curses to me, 
and once you sip from this cup you must repay me for the bullshit you induced. Remember a glass can only spill what it contains, 

and for many people all they see you is as a half diluted, 

uncherished, disheartened, half empty glass.

"How do you do, how do you do? My name is you." 

33838383838  
 
"i don’t want you to be alone to be alone down there. " - modest mouse. 
 
Are you still having fun?

I hope you die alone, 

i hope i find somebody who will love me like you never could. 
 
I hope somebody will fill the gap because you failed so miserably, just like all the rest. 

Only this time worse, far far worse.

"How do you, how do you do? 
My name is you. 
Flies they gather around me, and you too."
 
Well you can deny and hide from the vicious circumstance of truth but its time for me to let go, to move forward with my life and let go of the past. 
 
I rise. Even in the ashes I'm burning alive within now. I will rise. 
You can’t drag me back to your lair, only to push me away once again. 
 
Love has killed someone who loved death, and now I can't even fathom dying. 
 
Love is the most powerful lifeforce that creates new life. Sex and death. 
 
I love you dearly, but i don’t love the new you, 

But I am the new you, you embody the old me. 

i simply love who you used to be. 

I will love who I can become through learning who you taught me to be. 
 
Goodbye you liar, when you can own up and face me again we will resume our quest, whatever that means, but until then i say goodbye .
 
You wanted to take the path that was the easy way to bow out, the cowards way, that time your sadistic stepmother won your heart over me. 
 
I guess your love for me was pale compared to the love I burst with for you, because IN NO UNIVERSE OR TIMELINE WOULD I EVER DO THIS TO YOU, OR ANYONE. 
 
Lucifer once more fills my spirit with the companionship nobody else can and when 

I look in the mirror I see his luminous stare strangling my reflection, urging me to take back my power, 

LUCIFER IS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND.
 
HE IS MEANT TO BE YOURS TOO, 

But you have betrayed us both.
 
take the blade over what pain you caused me, 

this heart shattered already is now fragmented into embers of oblivion. He keeps me sane, when the pain eats away at what sickness once rotted my brain. 
 
I hear your logic, your words of mercurial wisdom, your Gemini triplicity. 

It comes off as borderline sociopathic but in the most endearing way. 

More compelling than being an impulsive, messy, melodramatic, hyperactive mess like I. 
 
I will task your inner voice that is not warm, but cold and dark. 

Lucifer offers more warmth than your memories do.
 
I will task the memory of your wit and merge it into my brain so you will always be inside me, a perfect way to sanctify my heartbreak and ritualistically kill the love you stole. 

Forever I will benefit from the best of you, 
You cannot take from me until you learn how much pain this has caused me.
 
You have gone too far.
 
You will be BOUND to pain and made felt equal proportions, 

I summon LUCIFER to seal your fate, stab your heart thrice, until your quest is complete. 
 
The grand equaliser, the scales of justice and the law of balance.
 
I stare back and my eyes green, glisten, 

Lucifer, slides inside my soul forever, for you will never realise the errors of your ways. 

Lucifer says I must call forward higher legions of demons to bind you, and I am here to learn my lessons. 

But the deep knowing is clear that you will be made to feel many things that are born from pain. 

This is due to your shunning my pain, how dare you turn your back on what this was for the want of complacent fear!!
 
How could you think that could be anything but a recipe for the worst nemesis to rise from the false sense of security, and empty words, was it even real for you or was it all part of your pick up manual ?

**** 

No retrospective thoughts, feelings and comments other than my pain was on par to this line of thought. This is my thorn, and because Lucifer is the morning star, Venus, in mythology, I possibly embodied that to protect and preserve myself.

Left Hand Path & My Trauma Past

My past is a school yard massacre or an overgrown, desolate graveyard. 

When people claim to know light, or purity I am unable to relate. I never have. I never will. I have been tarnished most of my life. Growing up in a religious school, and being told by my teachers “I was going to hell” because I was snide and outspoken regarding Christianity and dared question the validity of the holy trinity. Being told I would be going to hell excited me. It gave me purpose. I am forged by darkness. 

Darkness is inherent within me. 

They first tried to teach me about jesus, god and salvation at six during a religion class at school, and I could only fathom ‘god’ as being like a whispy white cloud, just like the floating fragmented spirits who dwelled with me on the ceiling when I dissociated while being sexually abused by the pumpkin eater. If this ‘god’ really did see everything, I speculated, then he had of seen that, and if he had seen that he would hate me. 

On learning this ‘god’ was the reason behind creation, and all seeing; i blamed him for everything. In my mind, ‘god’ was responsible for this. 

because if god saw this happen, why didn’t he fucking do anything to stop it ? My mind uable to fathom gods logic, shattered. This ensured I quickly concluded I was a bad person unworthy of gods love. I prayed for salvation a few times late at night when my mind cycled endlessly. Often the choice between vomiting and being sexually abused would be presented as an ultimatum. My two biggest fears. This choice devestated me, as I was a child intensely phobic of vomiting, funnily enough as an adult I have linked this phobia back to anxiety associated to the sexual abuse. I was maybe 7 or 8 when one late night, I bargained with my unrelenting thoughts and I chose vomiting as the one thing I would rather endure again, it was late and I needed sleep and the only way to sleep was to agree to one choice bred from this ultimatum. A few weeks later I vomited. I later prayed that next time would god “please let me be abused again if it meant I could avoid vomiting”. 

Lived on trembling in fear in anticipation of the next incident, developing severe ocd traits. 

This was the regular momentum my thoughts endured as a child. 

Around this point, I had enough and climbed inside a capsule of imagination. I stopped praying to an invisible con artist, and started creating made up worlds using pen and paper. I would design towns, houses, schools and entire citities of inhabitants. I would spend hours drawing the architectural layouts of extravagant houses, and grandiose towns that were filled with inhabitants who posessed desirable traits. 

I would draw families and schools I wished I could be apart of, I would imagine being in these makeup worlds instead, with a different name, a different family and a different face. 

In fact the only way I could ever use the toilet as a child, was to imagine myself in one of these stories. 

I was finally aware of what it would be like to be god. 

I was so ashamed of this secret world I fabricated, I would destroy my creations and fear my mother uncovering them ever. 

Sometimes I would slip, and draw pictures of dungeons with naked girls chained to the walls while they bled profusely. 

This was bad.

This terrified me. I wondered if the othet little girls did this ? Did they have dark secrets to conceal and dirty habits to overcome? 

Did they fake a facade just like I did?

No they didn’t. There was no one else like me, I was isolated and alone, and the other girls who were, would always move around, never staying here for more than a year or two of my life. 

I could never relate to my same sex peers, in all their pristine and well maintained brilliance. They had no dirty secrets to hide. I was the only girl in my grade with the messy hair, the dirty fingernails and the dirty secrets. I was always getting in trouble. I climbed trees and played outside games with the boys, hid in the library reading books, or wandered around talking to myself, and because of that, I was an outsider. They played with dolls, ponies and skipping ropes.

For me, darkness was apart of my being from a very early age. I always looked on death with intrigue and fascination, rather than with fear and revulsion.

Darkness is inherent in my being. I am a demoness in the flesh, livid with rage for being denied the ability to experience wholeness or bliss. Bound to this earth by an eternity of reincarnations, there is little of this planets sordid, malevolent history that my soul has not witnessed. I have never known light. Connection. Fulfilment. My life is void of light. Nothing ever renders me whole. Aside from the spark within me. god is a concept, which I can only comprehend in the form of pantheism: with the organism that encapsulates the complex biospheres that shroud this earth being akin to ‘god’. Humanity is the DNA molecule observing itself. The inherent intelligence that aligns matter, embodied in the human form. God is dead. All my psychedelics trips reconfirm the notion of only the earth as god, a cruel and menacing god. But powerful and never missing a moment. There is no collective higher realm endowed by bliss or perfection, there are only the realms of my own creation, and then reseivours of unending darkness. The first time I took LSD, I secretley hoped god would reveal himself to me. The allknowing deity he was, I expected a voice booming from the sky revealing himself to me. He did. He never came, and simultaneously I realised the earth was a heaven or a hell: whatever you could make it. I was aquainted with earth aligning to the hellish realm, however. But I could experience momentary bursts of pleasure. As for an almighty force, or an endless source of illumination though, my mind struggles to grasp this concept. I am the illumination in a world of barren desolation. An all knowing, all seeing deity? No. I ate the poison apple, and I pay the price with the darkness of knowledge. I often wondered whether I was self aware before this incarnation, or whether I have known all along? I am the only form of ‘god’ I can ever fathom. The only illumination comes within. And if humans are the universe embodying itself, technically humans are also therefore god. God made himself, but can god undo himself? I am forged by filth and darkness. I know no other way. My allegiance is in darkness. Yet I am more empathetic and compassionate than most people who correlate themselves to light. This is why the left hand path corresponds and resonates in such a profound manner with my being. I have traversed and battled with the abyss all my life.