Posts
14/1/25
Musings on moving on
healing from relationships the healthy way: part 1
It's important to acknowledge that relationships can sometimes change when one partner is experiencing personal growth and transformation. This journey of self-discovery may have begun before the relationship started and could be hindered by settling into the dynamics with the other person
i know this sounds condescending. But my last relationship ate away 8 years of my life because I gave a “nice” guy a chance. We were great friends, companions, but our sexual compatibility & chemistry was nil.
I was the one wearing the pants. I was already on my journey of self-development when I met him. My interest in psychology, self-improvement, and personal growth had been sparked during my mental health and trauma recovery, which peaked in late 2015 when I went on a date with him.
He had been pursuing me for years.
My first red flag should of our initial meeting back in 2011. It was platonic, but he visited me while I was very mentally unstable, as an inpatient in an old Catholic psychiatric hospital. This was during a time when my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with since I was 19, was cheating on me. I always remember that we talked for 10 hours. He brought me a gift of my favorite conspiracy magazines, along with a notebook and a fancy pen. At that time, my ex, Alexander, had fallen out of the honeymoon stage and was ignoring me, so I greatly overvalued his gesture due to my idealized perspective.
We texted back and forth, but nothing was consistent. He eventually vanished, ending up with a much older woman who had two children of her own; a a single mother who used him and controlled his phone usage. He disappeared into regional NSW.
I didn’t find out until much later that this situation contributed to his debt of $50,000 to $70,000, which I helped him get out of (a second red flag).
This was a compromised secret I hid for him because I enjoyed his company initially.
now it emphasizes the importance of my journey toward becoming a high-value woman.
As we plateaued apart I learnt how to “be single” while he had a whole other relationship in my face.
The high value woman doesn’t jump into a new relationship without having healed from the wounds of her prior relationship, she doesn’t jump from man to man meaninglessly, she dates with INTENTION. She lives with INTENTION. Everything she does in INTENTIONAL.
Her femininity is bold, intentional & vibrant. My last relationship had sapped me of traditional gender roles but the one prior to that was a year and a half of a very dominant, traditional masculine man. Who was honest when “he couldn’t be the man he needed me to be” and that was a trait I was so drawn to when we broke up. I then levelled all future breakups to be at that same “level”. I said that to J in the beginning. He had so many “DOORS OUT”.
That was why his cowardice, passivity & dishonesty annoyed me the most because the guy before was so real & honest about not being able to handle me & we ended amicably and remain friends to this day as a result of civil boundaries. So J fucked me up & wasted years of my life as he was clueless as to what he really wanted .
so personal growth but also draws in a partner who appreciates self-improvement. I never want to find myself in a situation where I have to guide my partner on who to be or how to act, even if the experience had its moments of intrigue.
His parents expressed an overwhelming sense of gratitude, often brought to tears, for the role I played in shaping their son into a “real man.”But the toll it had on me, is understated. It’s not a roll id ever want in my life again. It’s exhausting. Psychometric tests for hours, career quizzes. Utilising my counselling skills to test on him as a Guinea pig (yeah it worked).
Then what did i get ? Nothing. Who do I have to blame for it? Myself. I was hoping he would eventually be man enough to give back something to help me heal.
But he palmed me off to some 13 years older guy from overseas who neither of us had ever met and then went off with a 10 years younger girl and left me (even as a friend) in the hardest time of my life. He could of been honest and said what the ex before me said because dim woman enough to handle the truth but he wasn’t man enough to be honest.
That’s when the realization hit me hard;he was just keeping me on the back burner, a safety net for when things didn’t go his way. I was never truly a friend; I was merely an “option.”
When his 21-year-old girlfriend entered the picture, it was clear he saw a chance for easy control, especially since she had just come out of an abusive relationship. Like a switch flipping, he dropped me without a second thought. I had been foolish, so utterly naive, to believe I meant anything more to him than a fallback plan
.I was discarded the minute he found her. She was more of a genuine friend to me than he had been for years in that last 6-7 months, she always made time for me and listened, I m loved our conversations.
But the day after her first date with him, everything changed between J and j m.
He suddenly grew irritable about the time I spent with her and seemed increasingly frustrated by my lack of jealousy or resentment;
which were emotions he was obviously anticipating from me.
He seethed silently, on the brink of passive aggressive explosive rage, whenever we shared a deep conversation without him, while he worked from home on Friday and she had her days off and visited, lively and engaged asking about the birds, which I adored. He was radiating an intensity of “she’s mine you better not talk about me” that was hard to ignore.
This experience of almost 9 years was an absolute eye-opener for me. I’ve come to realize that I will never trust, date, or entertain the facade of the “faux nice guy” again that I encountered with my ex. I know I deserve better.
I felt it before but I know it after.
I will never train a man how to be “an effective communicator”.
How can he find his purpose and understand the true will or passion, values, and principles that guide his life?
The truth is, he already knows what they are. He knows how to communicate like a healthy adult.
Such a partner is likely to have a solid grasp of effective communication, psychological insights, and self-awareness, making for a more enriching and balanced relationship.
I think this is a pivotal
His routine should already be established and in alignment with yours.
You don't need to teach him how to eat healthy or exercise, as he already knows how to do that. He is spiritual, he maybe can lead to show you, not the other way
Nine years in total (8 years and 7 months) of shaping a man didn't change the base nature of his “passive” ”submissive” & “lack of leadership.”.
Perhaps he could teach me a thing or two by sitting me down in a dignified, polite manner that is neither arrogant nor ego
Nothing is more attractive than an intelligent, skilled man who is humble and keeps his ego in check.. but is confident in what he can do & willing to help you with showing you how to do new things. I love a man who can teach me things.
If a man is truly skilled he has no need to beat his chest like a primate & run around like a three ringed circus, to lament “who can do it better”. It only conveys a faux arrogance & rancid narcissistic egocentricity that screams “I can’t have anyone not think I’m the best at anything and all attention better go to me or I’ll make your life hell”
The two ends of the red flag avoid spectrum, are faux nice covert narcissists and then the communal, egocentric overt narcissist.
One is self defeating, but lacking purpose and placid while the other seems to have too much to say & talks the most, the loudest, while is the only one who is the “best, biggest, only, no other can beat” type of guy and anyone who dare cross him *insert immature threat of adolescent type rage despite his age.
Both types talk a lot but lack action. They know what you want to hear and will tell you those things because they recognize your desire for validation. It is MY responsibility to ensure that I do not rely on these kinds of people by validating yourself and addressing your own soul and psychological wounds. Instead of seeking validation from others, focus on healing the void that you once hoped these types of men would fill for you.They will NEVER do the job you can do for yourself, and you KNOW deep down, those guys, talk shit. I think back to my ex, how much of my own behaviour was just me forging his persona into who I wanted him to be so I could have a human I needed to help me “try and escape my traumatic life”.
Selfish, self serving, maybe. But was I just doing what I was told in therapy? Yes.
It was a recipe for codependency.
He needed explicit instructions constantly. Which was exhausting.
Until it wasn’t.
He was eventually, given, the ultimate, magnum opus, I helped him, find himself. I think this is one of the most selfless things I did for someone. I didn’t mean to; but intimately I loved him enough to want that for him.
He was then off, flying and spreading his wings and I was happy for him. It’s the saddest heartbreaking moment then, when I look back in retrospect that the moment I had given him that freedom, was the moment he started to express increasing control to me. There was a period where we could say we were happy.
Momentums of happiness.
It was never a normal relationship. Ever. But we had fun, we were always going onn adventures and having interesting experiences.
Was he nice. Yeah at first. But I learnt these guys are silent and deadly killers over time. They don't communicate until the last moment and the truth, is specifically spoken in woven daggers crafted from years of a running inner monologue against you. When you are all about open, honest dialogue.
All you wanted was honesty and all you brought was authenticity and maybe you were too much yourself, so much he was repulsed. That is not a you problem as you warned him
“It was ok, its fine, I love it, I love you, I accept you, I am with you”. He whispers and whimpers weakly in a tone you barely hear, as he has got the mumbles when you first met him.
It wasn't until you taught him to speak he learnt how to raise his voice and professionally project it like a man. “She made me the man I am” he said for years until it was “you did nothing for me and I hate you” recently “you steal and took and gave me nothing”.
While the truth is, you have given him a gift nobody can express.
One of the rarest. Only to have it denied and rejected and then by June last year I had never given him a thing, all the gifts he returned to me. Literally packed in boxes and given back as though he never wanted them.
*A slap in the face* not only to deny my spiritual, emotional and psychological gifts but the physical as well? It’s like he was trying to erase my memory from his life altogether. Someone might think I was the one who had the new partner in his face. Or had done the atrocious act in front of him. I had always wracked my brain in deliberation wondering, pleading with him to tell me “what had I done that made him hate me so much?”. But he could never give me a straight answer. He kept giving me the same thing that was his own doing. That wasn’t anything but trauma flooding to a random guy from American he told me to email. I had not ever met this person.
He found him, told me to email him and this was the betrayal, even though he wanted me so badly to do this act? I was eternally confused by this to the point it often felt like “damned if I do/damned if I don’t”.
It wasn’t like I was given a choice; but when he had a new partner I was forced to swallow it and did so, happily.
Thats how I learnt about “high value” women and how to become one, looks maxxxing and started that journey.
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