Breaking down the breakdown of the trauma timeline of 2017

When trauma therapy goes wrong: a candid insight from the tapes of intensive individual trauma therapy: a personal and professional development guide.  

*** 

Context: I was at the tail end of a counselling diploma, which I was referred into by this therapist (so I’m a trained counsellor). I was also 1.5 yrs into my bachelor of psychology & about to enrol into a double degree of psychology/counselling to continue my study (will still do this bc academia is eternal). But at the moment I was young, and I felt it was then or there or never (my early 20s). 

I had just started a horrible flooding from severe developmental trauma coinciding with my counselling course which required a lot of self reflection for professional development. My therapist had given me an exercise off the back of my confidence to finally ask him about his moral alignment with the pedophile alignment of Hillsong church, a problem I had felt but struggled to articulate for months. At the time the royal commission into institutional child sexual abuse was happening, which Hillsong church was a part of, and Frank Houston, the founder, had been investigated for his role in covering up the sexual abuse of children historically. 

In February 2017 I brought up if Peter was able to be trusted due to his alignment to Frank Houston’s living son, Brian, who is the main target for the coverup of his fathers crimes, of sexual abuse. Brian was a pastor at the Norwest Hillsong church, and a prolific personality in the church. Brian has since been cleared of complicity of being aligned to his covering up his fathers sexual abuse crimes, however Brian Houston is a very wealthy man.  Regardless , religion aside, my care is aligned to pedophile cover ups and not religious belief. I wanted to know how he felt about Brian being investigated by the royal commission, I am open to other people and their religious belief.  I cannot trust a therapist who is aligned to a pastor who complicity covered up childhood sexual abuse for his father. It comes back to to values & principles. 

The response was: no Brian and Frank are innocent! They are not being investigated at all. It’s not true. (Denial.) he then deflected and told me to write a trauma timeline like my psychiatrist had asked for my medication & psychiatrist history in a document format.. I had earlier shared this exercise with him. 

This medical exercise she asked me to do was based on quantitative (medications I was on, diagnosis and doctors I’ve seen over the years since age 9). Not deep trauma secrets I’ve kept hidden from my childhood. It was for insurance reasons, had a higher purpose, and she emailed me back after receiving it. 

He did not respond. This set my trauma off worse, because I knew I was “left out to die, dry, kill or be killed” lacked containment, safety or any sense of integral therapeutic alliance. 

In a effective trauma therapy, a therapy alliance that is built on: safety with the client is core to maintaining a supportive, secure, stable therapeutic alliance.  

Alliance building : acknowledge your client email, ask them to bring the document with them to session next time. 

 

Ok our conversation: 

Me: no ! you said how many are false memories 

Him: no I didn’t ! 

Me: you basically implicated it via an open question … 

Me: you have to remember I am an actual tape recorder (me using his NLP method back on him, I used it to drop the hint I was recording the sessions) 

Me: I remember EVERYTHING people tell me, so I have all these questions pressing on my mind, and I went to my other therapist with the questions I had from our last session that you mentioned about false memories and told him what you said 

Him : of course if you mentioned false memories he would …

Me : cuts him off “no what am I supposed to say” what would you think of someone like me is told no,

Him : what do you mean if you say no? 

Me: well if you tell me no I’ll do the opposite , so when I wanted to know about my family history when I was studying that cultural diversity unit at uni last year and you told me not to look into my family history, I was going to do the opposite, you knew I was like that in my character, you told me to study this course, of course I’m

Going to look into my family history, even if you told me not too 

Him: why would you put trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma? 

Me: I was just curious 

Him: ok, the thing with you is you are so intelligent 

Me no I’m not that intelligent though: 

Him: no. stop. Just stop. 

Me: laughs, half dies 

Him : the problem with you is.. you are so intelligent 

“How many do you think are false memories” 

That’s what the therapist said about my deepest childhood secrets (nothing Vs what I later remembered) I can’t believe I sat there and was able to be submissive or calm without the anger and hurt I felt listening to that again today. 

“You are so intelligent, you are so well read okay, in regards to trauma, therapy and everything psychology theories that it is starting to convolute and make it difficult for you” 

Me : what do you mean 

“This theory and that theory - you are grabbing at everything “  

Me: what am I supposed to do ? 

I’ve always been like this I used to read encyclopaedias as a child just to find out what is wrong with me 

Him: I think it’s given you an obscure view, it’s changing your way of how you view your trauma 

Me: what do you mean ? 

Him:You are grabbing at everything!  

Him: it’s changing your way of dealing with your trauma. It’s giving you an obscure view. Changing the way your dealing with your trauma 

Don’t keep looking for more information. The more you look for it, the more you will (voice fades out). 

Me : well I’ve always been like this

Him:”give yourself a break, you need to STOP LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ON YOUR TRAUMA OR AROUND YOUR TRAUMA” 

Me : “what am I supposed to do, what would you do in my situation? You are obviously intelligent too, what would you do in my situation? ”  

Him: what do i, why did i? 

Me: mmmm 

Him; why did I feel like that or why did I do that, I don’t go information hunting for evidence on it 

Me: I don’t mean to keep finding things out , it’s not like I want this 

Him: you have too much information; take a break 

Me: I don’t mean too

Him: you need to stop looking for new information 

Me: what would you do in my situation? 

Him: why did I feel like that, why do I feel like that? 

I dont go looking or searching for new clues I look at myself 

Me: I DO THAT. I just find this stuff on the side

Me: what if you have multiple aspects of things that contradict each other, that’s what I have,

I honestly do this; I scrapbook and I honestly TRY I AM DOING THIS, 

Him: but you come out what about this, theory, what about that modality, what does this mean in context to that framework, and you shouldn’t do that, because you are being harmed by this 

Me: but as part of our counselling diploma we are doing professional

Reflection and have to do reflection on what we learnt in our developmental psychology subjects last year ? How am I supposed to NOT do this ? Along with therapy ? It’s part of being a competent clinician ? To be incompetent would be to not look into my trauma. 

Him: but is it helping you or is it hindering you ? 

Me: I don’t know, I have a grasp now but I barely read on trauma 

Him: is it hindering you or helping you? 

Me: I don’t know you tell me doctor (lol ) 

Him: I don’t know you tell

me (he reverse uno back to me) 

Me: I don’t know.: why would people go to psychology unless they wanted to resolve their issues and help others 

Him: is it helping you or hindering you? 

Me: what do you mean? 

I believe I’m better you tell me, somethings are better but others are worse. My awareness is better but it’s a hinderance. It was activated by dbt way back in 2013.

Nothing to do with this trauma now. 

Me: I think I’m better than I was before DBT a when my life was in a perpetual chaotic, melodramatic, toxic, self destructive, suicidal state and the worst issue along those lines I have now is a few adhd spending habits. So it’s calmer now but I have crippling self awareness. 

Him: what would you rather? That or that? 

Me: This. I have a compass in life now. I had nothing to guide my life back then. 

Me: why did you become a psychologist ? 

Me: unless people have issues to resolve and want to help others they would not be studying psychology and counselling. 

Him: when you went to class were you there to learn, did you go to class to learn or were you like that me? 

Me: what class ? It really depended what class I went into and what we learnt developmental psychology HELL NO And not trauma and mental health either because I was having a mental health and trauma breakdown by the end. Trails off 

Him: what are you thinking

Me: about uni , how much I miss it and I cannot wait to go back , you know I graduate soon.. yay I completed something else. 

Him: and then what ? 

Me: well I said I have to movie out because I cannot do developmental psychology living at my parents house anymore , so I need to move out next, then I have to keep studying .. I’m really confused about my study path now, this woman zorica has confused me because social science is so fascinating and you are telling me to stop now 

Him: you need to seperate yourself 

Me: I’m going to studying digital media maybe ‘ (what the fuck) 

Him: yep 

Me: to balance things out so I don’t get too overwhelmed and I get it’s a different field 

But it will stop me being overwhelmed but it’s only 25k off my HECS debt if I study the digital media diploma oh well, 

Me: I’m only at 20k so I can afford another 25 k before I have to pay it back

Him: oh I don’t even worry about my hecs debt anymore because it’s so much, over 200k 

Me: yeah yours must be huge now 

Him: I don’t even worry about it at the end of the year, it comes out of my tax 

Him: my accountant says if you pay it off you could have a better estate 

Him: my son is going to pay it back that’s how much it is (lol poor kid) 

Me: Omg what about him , don’t you think about his generation and how messed up they are going to be with the debt situation 

Me: I see my sister and it’s a whole alien thing with their tech now 

 

Him: more irrelevant convo

I leave and it ends. 

It took a lot of emotional energy just to go over this last bit, but I have to do this for my personal & emotional & professional healing. It’s irrevocably damaged me for years, let me just say if these were false memories would’ve all my meticulously planned goals and ambitions been hijacker’s so I could HEAL AND INTEGRATE all the trauma from my early childhood ? 

Not to mention the very fact it took me literally 5-6 years to step back into another therapists office after walking out of his. after using COMPLETE and utter faith in the profession I had given my life towards. 

Heart and soul breaking. 

I cannot underestimate the damage this caused me, ineffective trauma therapy kills, and is a reminder for practioner to be delicate in working with complex trauma clients, you never know how delicate peoples childhood memories and secrets can be. You never know the courage and strength it may take someone to disclose the secrets and shame of sexual abuse and to finally give this to a therapist after years not doing that (I only told him because my mentor Maxine said the best therapists are integrated and healed from their trauma) I thought doing this would help me better at my work as a therapist. I was not only rejected, left to flood, be traumatised by further memories of my childhood and reality of my 25 years of trauma already, and facing to these horrible things I’d dissociated from, but when I faced up to the therapist I had the courage to tell my secrets too, he was questioning the validity and authenticity of my childhood memories. He then challenged the coping I had adopted from the academic course he had referred me to study a year and a half before, and now he was gaslighting other trauma therapy modalities (and what I learnt YEARS LATER ON MY OWN LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT THE LITERATURE AND MY OWN DEVICES, from the pioneers of trauma therapy research like Daniel Siegel, Janina Fisher, Bessel Van Der Volk), was actually standard practice. 

Psychoeducation is key for trauma treatment, he told me repeatedly to stop doing that. 

Luckily I had found an amazing trauma therapist. who saved my life and introduced me to the trauma modality of treatment. Introducing me to great work such as “the body keeps the score” and the interpersonal neurobiology & work of Daniel Siegel. Years later these were my “light home” and helped save me, as I saved myself, through my self work, applied into rigorous self work. 

I’ve also been blessed with a patient & dedicated psychiatrist who has been treating me since 2012 and has been a blessing. She warned me before, and validated me after, about this therapist, so I wasn’t without warning of the risks of potential fallout. I didn’t think it would be this bad. 

My take home is going forward into my professional journey, which I thought would cure it all. Is noting it won’t, because it’s just picking up the place it left off. My current therapist and I are currently working through EMDR on what happened with my last therapist (imagine needing therapy for bad therapy).

I will continue to work towards my professional and personal goals as I have had for years now to pursue my career as a mental health professional, i don’t think clinical psychologist needs to be the end goal, because of the changing scope of the field.  

But social policy researcher, psychotherapist, having a masters degree & being a mental health clinician, trauma informed, yoga teacher (in Australia) & musician are some of my overarching aims. 

I will never put my clients through the same things people have caused me personally or professionally, but in the capacity of therapist to client, in the context of trauma treatment, I will never engage how I was hurt because I know how much that hurts. 

Sharing your darkest secrets from the depths of childhood to have them invalidated, dismissed & their authenticity challenged is the reason I kept “seeking” answers, for proof or lack of proof, what came was more evidence my mind or brain could handle, so without the coping skills to handle it, I was retraumatised by the reality of being in reality. 

It hurts my soul to know I had worked so hard to be hurt so much, then hurt so much after working so hard with such a genuine intent at my core. 

It took me years to pick up these pieces off the floor and stop these new memories that weren’t included in the original timeline flooding, from finding the real places and spaces in real life with real evidence of memories that were far more heinous than the innocuous things that were in that original trauma document. To question the validity of things I never forgot, when I first I poured my honest truth into is hurtful in a way I cannot express.

nor do I not wish upon any other survivor of complex trauma.   I remember I kept these secrets locked inside me for decades because of the sickness and shame they were laced inside me with, but to finally summon the courage for the greater good of my counselling degree and the sacrifice of being a better therapist with the “hope” revealing my truth to this therapist would make me a better clinician was a perfectionist mistake. 

I was a month into this document, and on the tail end of submitting assessments so I sent the email after days of deliberating. My heart and soul knew I couldn’t trust him. My mind tried to explain the rationalisation of “but all the therapy before helped so this should do the same, take the risk”. 

The next morning as I waited for my bus to uni, in the pouring march rain, I knew i would never live to see the end of the regret I felt. My brain, alive, but dying, at the same time, as it pulsated, with sensations, images, flashes, burning, hot, freezing, cold, a rush, unending, pouring, descending, into my frontal lobe consciousness after I woke up full of new elements of context from my life. The puzzle fitting together, the blanks that were blurred out becoming clear, parts erased becoming vivid, and I suddenly had my sight back. It wasn’t gone but only hazed. It was a waterfall but it was out of control, by the end of the day, I felt like I was going insane and broke down after class, two weeks later, I was sure neurosis was coming for me, after a month, I was physically unwell from the intense duration of non stop never ending memories flooding into my consciousness at every waking, sleeping and dreaming moment. I had to go through my childhood documents to confirm, or deny that would more often than not confirm things, which created long piles of evidence, because I found a lot of documents, photos and paperwork from my childhood, which lead me to memories, leading to evidence finding, leading to me hopping in a car and driving to follow a memory or spur of the moment childhood flashback that was revealed. 

You want to know how many “dreams” turned out to be real places that were behind churches or the orphanage or hospital next to my childhood home? Did that reoccurring nightmare ever happen when I followed it ? Would’ve it even happened if I had of send that trauma timeline to him, or had a therapist work with me in a safe way? 

Probably not. Needless to say It was a real place I had nightmares about my whole life, right next door to my childhood home, and now it’s been discovered and I’ve found it, I haven’t had any nightmares since. I follow the trail left by my memory, originated by the trauma therapy, if the therapist did the work he could’ve stopped me going to the place to start with but because he left me to be alone with this in the months after I emailed it to him, I was forced to take matters into a “detective style” coping skill. 

I ended up learning that my childhood was a lot darker, more twisted and macabre than my conscious memory can recall and I’m grateful we are amnesiac for things like this. For if I could remember this I wouldn’t be able to cope, that’s the extent of how much I’ll talk about some of the depths of finding out real life crime scenes from the sites I found following my memory. 

Knowing nothing can be better than knowing at all, but now I know, I see my context in clarity. I don’t need to ruminate about why I have periods of blank or amnesia or why I am x y z. I know why, I don’t need to be shameful about hiding ritualistic or organisational child sexual abuse anymore. I have had multiple professionals acknowledge and validate the reality of what happened to me, and denying that only further harms me and other survivors. 

It happens, it happened, it still happens, it doesn’t need to be satanic ritual abuse to be ritual abuse so don’t even start. Ritual abuse is ritualistic abuse. Let’s lose the stigma and the shame and the false memory association with ritual abuse and sexual abuse. Do you know Elizabeth Loftus is now debunked ? Her studies were based on adults for one. I’ll go into the problems with the false memory hypothesis and sexual abuse discrediting in the psychological profession in another post. 

I’d just like to thank all the brave testimonies from other Australian survivors (or the advocates) like Fiona Barnett, Gabby Chong, Dale Holmes & Rachel Vaughn. Keep talking. There are others. I hear you. I see you and I appreciate you. 

“Uncle Bearheart” for being the first core reason I survived any of this at all. 

Juxtaposed, Michael Aquino, for validating this happened at all, because knowing it was happening is better than having a therapist who isn’t saying anything (I’d rather know about the 2005 ATS forums at that point I was digging for anything). 

Maxine Rosenfield for being a pinnacle for my transformation into healing. 

Steve stokes. 

Janina fisher. 

Bessel van der kolk. 

Daniel Siegel. 

Anomalous trauma and the UFO/MILAB community (James Bartley , eve Logan) it always helped me to listen to ufo related things when I was having flashbacks, because I could focus on aliens 

My ancestors and spirit guides 

The Loa & 21 commissions of spirits 

My sentinel spirit 

Santa Marta la Dominadora

St Rosa of Lima (rosita Legba) 

St George 

St Michael the Archangel 

Many others. 

Prime creator : papa bon dios : or god

My higher self, my true will & my great work. 

My birds & my will to persevere. I was on the edge of my seat ready to give up so many times. I didn’t, I have a reason to be here. To help others. 

I will never be this clinician, never. 

Please believe your clients if they disclose secrets from trauma especially if it’s childhood memories they haven’t told anyone before. It can be harmful and deeply destructive to deny them their deepest shameful secrets and question the veracity. I cannot emphasise the level of pain, shame and further suffering it causes to be diminished by being told your darkest secrets are false memories. 

It’s a betrayal and wound that I don’t think I can ever heal, but I will NEVER inflict on anyone LET ALONE a client. 

Saturn is NOT Satan: Disassembling the link between RITUAL ABUSE and CEREMONIAL MAGICK

Lessons as a daughter of Saturn: 

20.12.23 

I just wanted to confess that im a practioner of ceremonial magick and I am also a survivor of ritual abuse. 
I’ve wanted to say that for so long but ironically, have not had anywhere to put that kind of information without facing backlash.
Now I don’t care. 
Saturn moving into Pisces means let it flow. 
Let it flow to grow;
I strongly wanted to start in the realm of Saturn, as I am a dominant Saturn (followed by extremely Venusian, then Jupiterian) dominant. I was born on a Saturday. 

While I am not formally initiated or mounted in vodou, I have become extremely welcomed by the spirits over here in the tradition, when I started to practice ancestor veneration in conjunction with spiritism in grief and desperation in December 2019. (Happy 4 years). 
It followed by an extremely vivid shared dream, and a series of synchronicities that lead me to my  first Door opening Legba Working in 2020 which I was laying in m study, next to my altar, half asleep in the early hours of the morning on January 21-25th 2020. I was consorting with a large owl/cockatoo female saint spirit called Rosa Isabella. My roommate had a similar dream but on a whole other level that cannot be written without his own experience.

We shared our experiences later that day I went on google and instantly found a Saint that shared my birthday and my sisters birthday as her veneration day. 

She was celebrated in the country I had dreamt about visiting since I was 11. (Peru) Saint Rosa of Lima. 

From this day onward, I was spiritually, accepted, Saint George, or Sigurd (a Germanic/Teutonic Ancestral and Indo European Spirit) as I had come to call him, opened the Temple of Rebellion on the 26th of January 2020, and declared it formally foundational and ready to be formed in reality. 
That was the same day the Corona-virus drop formally hit the media here in Australia. I remember calling the coronavirus hotline after walking back from the local swimming pool with Jonathan after a horrible experience and telling them the real virus was the “pedophile” not the “made up synthetic lab made corona lie” generated all over the news that afternoon. 
I hung up the phone and hoped this too, would dissipate like the sars, bird flu, Ebola and other biowarfare pandemics manipulated in acts of bioterrorism. 
Something about the large number of bats in the sky that summer, and the summer 2019-2020 bushfires that were apocalyptic and choking the Sydney and suburbs with smoke for months afterward, in addition to the rollout of 5G and my recent growth into a new spiritual lineage that was combating the attack of Saskia and Sparky dying in addition to all the lifetime of trauma and pain I’ve endured. 

All this made me dubious about the fleeting nature of this Disease X. 
Also, Jeffery Epstein, Prince Andrew and Issac Kaapy and the way they blew up in the mainstream media when it came out. Just before the Covid-19 pandemic came to be we had the rising undercurrent of the global pedophile networking finally coming to fruition, wonderful spiritual underground workings forged in tempest of fury and fire by a order I carried a feminine current of from a county in solidarity to hopefully one day pass on to others. (I have actually taught two other fully functioning male members, but I mean females here).

Anti pedophile network awareness on a global scale must of been a scare for the elite ? 

 

The Temple of Rebellion was Formed under the fires of Summer 2019 and the prehistoric climax of the never ending apocalyptic Covid-19 tsunami.

This is the unending current that the spirits were waiting for, I walked home from the pool barefoot in the rain, Thor banging thunder and rage of my inner child having flashbacks in my childhood town in my veins. (When will I BE FREE). 

People have to learn to see things outside the scope of the limits language has given them. I learnt that in those years living there. 

Religion, magick, both are spiritually rooted but what matters is your intent. 
I can be an evil occultist. But I can be an evil clergyman. 
Or I can be both. 
Some of the most evil corrupt people are highly religious. Some are also ritualistic. But why does magick have to be synonymous with evil?
Isn’t that playing into the energy your abusers and programmers want you to believe? 
They want you to believe you don’t have the power of being the god/goddess that prime creator himself intended you to harness within yourself. 
We all do. 
We have that innate spark. We are born of prime creator ourselves. Our abusers want us to be feeling disconnected and split off from the god energy. 
They want you trapped, insecure, disconnected, enslaved & living in confusion, turmoil, hatred, chaos, depression, pain, & fear. 

I acknowledge these feelings and energies are valid and real and seek solutions to transmute them. 
I’m not forcing anyone to take up any tradition or magick. 
Right now I want to voice something have held in for a long time. 
Ritual abuse survivor and being a ceremonial magician are a difficult path to walk. 
Uncommon, please, if anyone else is there , let me know as I face the backlash alone as far as I can see in my 10 year journey. 
For now 
I’m just saying to avoid jumping into my space and judging my practices I use for my healing and that have been implemented and tested under the time and tension of Saturn for a decade now. 
In 2024 February I’ll be a 10 year old ceremonial magician practitioner. (Not a neophyte anymore). I don’t know how to feel about it magically. But psychologically and emotionally I am so relieved I chose to go this way instead of staying trapped in the CPTSD and dissociated mess I was lost in before I went into the path I walked down now. I tried religion. I went there time and time again. I tried the new age. I tried almost everything to heal my sexual abuse. I tried therapy. I did 3 years of intensive dialectical behaviour therapy group programs. I’ve done 11 or 12 over a month by month intensive upscale inpatient psychiatric inpatient programs. I’ve had the medications. The CBT. The ACT.  Brainspotting. I’ve had the psychiatrists. The bad and good different range of decades of therapists. I’m getting EMDR now and doing Fiona Barnetts protocol in addition to my own. She is a very valuable practioner who needs to be revered as a clinician in any way she can for what she has shared and how it has helped me. 
Thank you Fiona Barett. (And she is also a born again Christian but one of the cool, non judgemental, open minded ones who don’t make you feel dumb for having different views outside the realm of the Christ theology). 
*** 
Back in 2017 being on both sides of the practicing and client Fiona saved my life so many times. 
 messed me up badly when it went wrong, because I was honest, and my ex therapist was a pro-pedophile, Frank Houston supporting Hillsong church revering cruel and vindictive new type of evil I’d never encountered before. 
In all these dark moments when all hope was lost and suicide was my only solution (programming) magick (a specific current I will share in time) and listening to Fiona Barnett saved my life. 
But my lesson is to never do that to someone else’s soul. Especially if they expose deep secrets and show vulnerability. 
The worst thing to then continue to do is to have the audacity to call yourself trauma aware. 
It’s so far from reality you couldn’t fathom trauma if you had it slapped across your sensory system for the next ten years. 
He had no capacity or insight to any trauma I shared and I will forever wear that pain as not only the first time I went though the trauma as a child and young adult, but the secondary and third and forth rebounding traumas I felt when I was rejected in a therapeutic context. While studying and trying to work as a therapist. 
A course he told me to study to work with him. The ultimate gaslighting and fuck around might get killed move someone has ever inflicted. But I’m so glad I did it. 
I will never forget or forgive people who hurt others like that, and that ripped my soul apart. So it’s time to create what was supposed to be a beautiful and joyful experience after I finished my counselling degree and merge back into my psychology bachelor. 
That was stripped away due to ineffective and fruitless therapy. It was raped like the 10 other rapes I wrote in that stupid timeline I sent to him in an email I wish I’d never sent. 
But this rape was probably the worst kind of rape I’ve ever been through. It was a rape of the soul. 
All because I questioned his leader, Brian Houston, being involved in the royal commission, linked to his feather, Frank Houston, a known Pedophile. We all know the story about that. 
Another example where organised religion pushes out dogma and judgement in my life instead of acceptance or healing. (I’ll go into that story more another time because it is a long one and cumbersome). 
So in terms of creating safe spaces why not operate under the trauma informed care paradigm…?

Organised religion is also, of this nature. GENERALLY.. 
It has the holier than thou dogma, that you, if you are engaged in any occultic doctrine NO MATTER WHAT, should be condemned. 
that in my opinion, is just as bad as being a non religious judgemental person. 
Religious or not, anyone who is judging anyone based on their beliefs and practices that are not harming others. 
I mean genuinely judgmental and condescending dogmatic language, not light hearted or joking. 

My question is - 

Who are you to judge someone by the practices they preach without knowing what they bear inside themselves ?
If you chose to pray and practice a Christian religion I have no concern you practice or believe in your brief.
Why do you pick apart and dissect the most minute and diminutive parts of mine? 
Question : 
For survivors of ritual abuse and trauma based mind control ;
finding a source of healing and control can be liberating and it may look like religion.
In others it can look like something like the new age. 
or for others it can come in spirituality of planetary based divine humanism ceremonial magick. 

I am often excluded from ritual abuse survivor groups due to being an almost decade practicing ceremonial magician and that is something that hurts my soul. 

I’m not an evil person. 
I don’t hex, curse or practice baneful magick. I venerate and heal, engage in elevated and purified spiritual practices. 
but the moment they see that side of my life I’m condemned and judged, unfollowed, blocked and ridiculed in other groups because o simply have a spiritual practice I find healing that is wholesome, pure and protective. 
I think this is unfair. I think it’s honestly retraumatising in a way and it pains the community as dogmatic and judgemental and unsafe for all survivors. 

I think if everyone is a consenting, anti pedophile, safe and open minded, non violent, compassionate,  mature, open to healing, growth, willing to learn adult who is recovering from ritual abuse and trauma why would it matter if they are practicing magick, interested in astrology, and have found a decade long practice that WORKS? 

We are all against the same PAEDOPHILIC GLOBALIST enemy here. 

We are all wanting the same outcome so we need to focus on that and work together because a “A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF WILL FALL” . (Isn’t that the Bible)?

Especially (and I am not saying this in any way to be elitist) when the other members are coming in as new and only recovering memories in the last 1-2 years. 

Just because I don’t share my story all over the internet doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It can be tracks if you know how to stalk, and interpret in between the lines. 

I have excelled at being locked out and deleting my own blogs from the past, and the nature of dissociative identity disorder and cptsd is to hide the dissociation from the public eye as much as possible. 

That is the nature of the programming. 

But I have blogs dating back probably to the middle of high school and it’s probably still all there if you could read the old internet you’d find a treasure trove of interesting parts of my old selves. I often wish I could see what my parts used to do because I don’t remember. 
I digress. 

It’s exclusive. The best Christians I’ve met are those who don’t need to exclude everyone else for the notion of them not being Christian. But for the record, by technicality, 

I’m a Christian, I believe in God, I also believe Nature is God. I believe in Prime Creator. 
I believe in the living energy of the universe. (Pantheism I think they call it). I believe in energy. The divine energy of prime creeeror that is greater than all that is the source of all living things and that is all there is, and the living world around us (nature, animals, biosphere, elements, trees, birds, ocean, earth, plants, fruit ). 

I’m very connected to energy.
I love sacred spaces in nature and worship the beauty I find in the world. 
I love animals and think they are the most wonderful beings alive in many ways. I speak to them as I would pray to a “god”. 

In terms of gods and goddess, i venerate them in a way of invoking the energy into my life and living it via a heroine or warrior goddess journey. In transpersonal psychology we have an inner masculine counterpart called the animus, I invoke the male energy to work with the god energy in this way. 

If I call in a masculine or feminine energy for evocation, it’s done for a great veneration and celebration for the wonderful energies of these beautiful stories and archetypes can often be understood by honouring the mysteries in our real life in living the mystery.   
They can reach us by showing us. 
I want people to be more open towards trauma informed awareness and accepting that not all things synonymous with magick are equal to evil. 

There is nothing evil or inverted about my spiritual path and it’s the purest, most elevated and clean current I can find energetically. 
So before you judge because of a word in the English language open your mind and realise I’m also staring back at you and have the same ability but I’m not doing that. 

Why are you so eager to place a set of labels, identifying  me in a way that places me in a category consecrated by a major religion? 
When religion is a major form of kind control and the primary programming tool is mind control, and the goal of breaking programming is to overcome the mind control? 

How is anything being broken when it’s only being replaced by something equally, if not, more dogmatic? 

I love helping others and making spaces that others can heal from the heinous horrors of trauma based mind control and ritual abuse and the many nervous system and sensory dysfunctions that come with the territory. 
I have encompassing energy flow and empathy but have built my walls high so I won’t engage with people who are not aligned to a authentic self inside. 

I have helped the process flow but they have to be receptive to that, it’s honestly exhausting, and I prefer for that reason, to keep to myself, unless people are attuned to a similar path and I can truly be in my authentic self. 
I’m in a healing and transforming phase. I have endured a lot of intense and very real and very intense pain in my life. 

I don’t play games or mess around for internet clout or the next sensation. This isn’t a game for me. This is my life and i believe all survivors at face value because I see the best in everyone and hate when people have been knowingly deceptive for other motives. It’s hurtful.

If people have genuinely endured this pain why are you still trying to unconsciously cause drama by being unnecessarily hostile and dogmatic over something like religion in a community with mentally ill and traumatised individuals who are survivors of trauma based mind control & ritual abuse? 

Enough. Follow trauma informed care practice or leave the community and go and embrace the community you can be safe to follow your religious philosophy in freely openly like a church. Please. Go. Away. 

L.V