More relationship reflections

What I do not want 

I've realised 

The bigger the ego, the bigger the man child. 

A healthy man has done the inner work to heal those issues. 

You can really tell by how their outer behaviour manifests. 

How they talk about other people, how they treat other people, how they talk in general, how their actions and words line up (or don’t). 

It’s a simple formula once you see your value, and you have spent years of your life investing in ONE relationship, it’s time to take a step back to evaluate anyone who tries to siphon more of that “same energy”. 

To ask why are YOU needing to settle for that again? 

I believe it's essential to focus on personal growth while you're single, rather than casually dating or engaging in superficial relationships. It's important to build a sense of independence that isn't dependent on someone else, especially in the event that you do enter into a relationship. partnership, you have something to fall back on because everything you created together can and will be lost the moment you end the relationship. 

I understand there is a whole "trad wife" and red pill movement that suggests women should rely on men, but based on generational evidence from my own family, I find this perspective flawed. I've seen women stay married primarily for financial reasons rather than breaking the marriage contract to pursue independence.

In the end, the happiest individuals in their older years aren’t necessarily the multi-millionaires who stayed married with three to five properties and substantial wealth. 

Instead, it’s often those who broke the generational curse. 

Even during the 70s, when divorce was still frowned upon, these individuals chose to end unhealthy relationships and raise their children independently, freeing them from the shackles of an abusive household. 

While those who broke the marriage contract may have been the least wealthy, stand against conventional values in the family line- they tend to be the HAPPIEST. Why is that?

For me. ALL CPTSD ASIDE which is a seperate thing that I don’t expect anyone to know much about. 

The right person won’t need to be educated on basic principles of healthy interpersonal human communication. I’m talking how to have an assertive and healthy adult conversation without deflecting, projecting & blaming then twisting things to be the other persons fault, then denying & creating a huge conflict out of something that was originally a minor contention. 

In short, I want a life partner who is a HEALHY, grounded & assertive communicator. 

He won’t resort to swearing, blame shifting, denial, violence or arrogance in difficult conversations. 

Moving on & the high value heroine archetype

 14/1/25 

Musings on moving on

healing from relationships the healthy way: part 1 

It's important to acknowledge that relationships can sometimes change when one partner is experiencing personal growth and transformation. This journey of self-discovery may have begun before the relationship started and could be hindered by settling into the dynamics with the other person

i know this sounds condescending. But my last relationship ate away 8 years of my life because I gave a “nice” guy a chance. We were great friends, companions, but our sexual compatibility & chemistry was nil.

 I was the one wearing the pants. I was already on my journey of self-development when I met him. My interest in psychology, self-improvement, and personal growth had been sparked during my mental health and trauma recovery, which peaked in late 2015 when I went on a date with him.

He had been pursuing me for years. 

My first red flag should of  our initial meeting back in 2011. It was platonic, but he visited me while I was very mentally unstable, as an inpatient in an old Catholic psychiatric hospital. This was during a time when my ex-boyfriend, who I had been with since I was 19, was cheating on me. I always remember that we talked for 10 hours. He brought me a gift of my favorite conspiracy magazines, along with a notebook and a fancy pen. At that time, my ex, Alexander, had fallen out of the honeymoon stage and was ignoring me, so I greatly overvalued his gesture due to my idealized perspective.

We texted back and forth, but nothing was consistent. He eventually vanished, ending up with a much older woman who had two children of her own; a a single mother who used him and controlled his phone usage. He disappeared into regional NSW. 

I didn’t find out until much later that this situation contributed to his debt of $50,000 to $70,000, which I helped him get out of (a second red flag).

This was a compromised secret I hid for him because I enjoyed his company initially.

now it emphasizes the importance of my journey toward becoming a high-value woman. 

As we plateaued apart I learnt how to “be single” while he had a whole other relationship in my face.  

The high value woman doesn’t jump into a new relationship without having healed from the wounds of her prior relationship, she doesn’t jump from man to man meaninglessly, she dates with INTENTION. She lives with INTENTION. Everything she does in INTENTIONAL. 

Her femininity is bold, intentional & vibrant. My last relationship had sapped me of traditional gender roles but the one prior to that was a year and a half of a very dominant, traditional masculine man. Who was honest when “he couldn’t be the man he needed me to be” and that was a trait I was so drawn to when we broke up. I then levelled all future breakups to be at that same “level”. I said that to J in the  beginning. He had so many “DOORS OUT”.

That was why his cowardice, passivity & dishonesty annoyed me the most because the guy before was so real & honest about not being able to handle me & we ended amicably and remain friends to this day as a result of civil boundaries. So J fucked me up & wasted years of my life as he was clueless as to what he really wanted .  

so personal growth but also draws in a partner who appreciates self-improvement. I never want to find myself in a situation where I have to guide my partner on who to be or how to act, even if the experience had its moments of intrigue. 

His parents expressed an overwhelming sense of gratitude, often brought to tears, for the role I played in shaping their son into a “real man.”But the toll it had on me, is understated. It’s not a roll id ever want in my life again. It’s exhausting. Psychometric tests for hours, career quizzes. Utilising my counselling skills to test on him as a Guinea pig (yeah it worked). 

Then what did i get ? Nothing. Who do I have to blame for it? Myself. I was hoping he would eventually be man enough to give back something to help me heal.

 But he palmed me off to some 13 years older guy from overseas who neither of us had ever met and then went off with a 10 years younger girl and left me (even as a friend) in the hardest time of my life. He could of been honest and said what the ex before me said because dim woman enough to handle the truth but he wasn’t man enough to be honest.  

That’s when the realization hit me hard;he was just keeping me on the back burner, a safety net for when things didn’t go his way. I was never truly a friend; I was merely an “option.” 

When his 21-year-old girlfriend entered the picture, it was clear he saw a chance for easy control, especially since she had just come out of an abusive relationship. Like a switch flipping, he dropped me without a second thought. I had been foolish, so utterly naive, to believe I meant anything more to him than a fallback plan

.I was discarded the minute he found her. She was more of a genuine friend to me than he had been for years in that last 6-7 months, she always made time for me and listened, I m loved our conversations.

But the day after her first date with him, everything changed between J and j m. 

He suddenly grew irritable about the time I spent with her and seemed increasingly frustrated by my lack of jealousy or resentment; 

which were emotions he was obviously anticipating from me. 

He seethed silently, on the brink of passive aggressive explosive rage, whenever we shared a deep conversation without him, while he worked from home on Friday and she had her days off and visited, lively and engaged asking about the birds, which I adored. He was radiating an intensity of “she’s mine you better not talk about me” that was hard to ignore.

This experience of almost 9 years  was an absolute eye-opener for me. I’ve come to realize that I will never trust, date, or entertain the facade of the “faux nice guy” again that I encountered with my ex. I know I deserve better. 

I felt it before but I know it after. 

I will never train a man how to be “an effective communicator”. 

How can he find his purpose and understand the true will or passion, values, and principles that guide his life? 

The truth is, he already knows what they are. He knows how to communicate like a healthy adult. 

Such a partner is likely to have a solid grasp of effective communication, psychological insights, and self-awareness, making for a more enriching and balanced relationship.

I think this is a pivotal

His routine should already be established and in alignment with yours. 

You don't need to teach him how to eat healthy or exercise, as he already knows how to do that. He is spiritual, he maybe can lead to show you, not the other way

Nine years in total (8 years and 7 months) of shaping a man didn't change the base nature of his “passive” ”submissive”   & “lack of leadership.”. 

Perhaps he could teach me a thing or two by sitting me down in a dignified, polite manner that is neither arrogant nor ego

Nothing is more attractive than an intelligent, skilled man who is humble and keeps his ego in check.. but is confident in what he can do & willing to help you with showing you how to do new things. I love a man who can teach me things. 

If a man is truly skilled he has no need to beat his chest like a primate & run around like a three ringed circus, to lament “who can do it better”. It only conveys a faux arrogance & rancid narcissistic egocentricity that screams “I can’t have anyone not think I’m the best at anything and all attention better go to me or I’ll make your life hell”

The two ends of the red flag avoid spectrum, are faux nice covert narcissists and then the communal, egocentric overt narcissist. 

One is self defeating, but lacking purpose and placid while the other seems to have too much to say & talks the most, the loudest, while is the only one who is the “best, biggest, only, no other can beat” type of guy and anyone who dare cross him *insert immature threat of adolescent type rage despite his age.

Both  types talk a lot but lack action. They know what you want to hear and will tell you those things because they recognize your desire for validation. It is MY responsibility to ensure that I do not rely on these kinds of people by validating yourself and addressing your own soul and psychological wounds. Instead of seeking validation from others, focus on healing the void that you once hoped these types of men would fill for you.They will NEVER do the job you can do for yourself, and you KNOW deep down, those guys, talk shit. I think back to my ex, how much of my own behaviour was just me forging his persona into who I wanted him to be so I could have a human I needed to help me “try and escape my traumatic life”.

Selfish, self serving, maybe. But was I just doing what I was told in therapy? Yes. 

It was a recipe for codependency.

He needed explicit instructions constantly. Which was exhausting. 

Until it wasn’t. 

He was eventually, given, the ultimate, magnum opus, I helped him, find himself. I think this is one of the most selfless things I did for someone. I didn’t mean to; but intimately I loved him enough to want that for him. 

He was then off, flying and spreading his wings and I was happy for him. It’s the saddest heartbreaking moment then, when I look back in retrospect that the moment I had given him that freedom, was the moment he started to express increasing control to me. There was a period where we could say we were happy. 

Momentums of happiness.

It was never a normal relationship. Ever. But we had fun, we were always going onn adventures and having interesting experiences. 

Was he nice. Yeah at first. But I learnt these guys are silent and deadly killers over time. They don't communicate until the last moment and the truth, is specifically spoken in woven daggers crafted from years of a running inner monologue against you. When you are all about open, honest dialogue. 

All you wanted was honesty and all you brought was authenticity and maybe you were too much yourself, so much he was repulsed. That is not a you problem as you warned him     

“It was ok, its fine, I love it, I love you, I accept you, I am with you”. He whispers and whimpers weakly in a tone you barely hear, as he has got the mumbles when you first met him. 

It wasn't until you taught him to speak he learnt how to raise his voice and professionally project it like a man. “She made me the man I am” he said for years until it was “you did nothing for me and I hate you” recently “you steal and took and gave me nothing”. 

While the truth is, you have given him a gift nobody can express. 

One of the rarest. Only to have it denied and rejected and then by June last year I had never given him a thing, all the gifts he returned to me. Literally packed in boxes and given back as though he never wanted them. 

*A slap in the face* not only to deny my spiritual, emotional and psychological gifts but the physical as well? It’s like he was trying to erase my memory from his life altogether. Someone might think I was the one who had the new partner in his face. Or had done the atrocious act in front of him. I had always wracked my brain in deliberation wondering, pleading with him to tell me “what had I done that made him hate me so much?”. But he could never give me a straight answer. He kept giving me the same thing that was his own doing. That wasn’t anything but trauma flooding to a random guy from American he told me to email. I had not ever met this person. 

He found him, told me to email him and this was the betrayal, even though he wanted me so badly to do this act? I was eternally confused by this to the point it often felt like “damned if I do/damned if I don’t”. 

It wasn’t like I was given a choice; but when he had a new partner I was forced to swallow it and did so, happily. 

Thats how I learnt about “high value” women and how to become one, looks maxxxing and started that journey. 

*** 

Reflection on foundations of relationships

 Men often leave when you are in the process of personal growth. 

This is why becoming a high-value woman is essential to attract a man who is equally high-value and doesn't require "lessons" in basic communication, psychology, human behavior, self-insight, and understanding his own wants and needs. 

A man should already have a well-established routine that aligns with yours. You shouldn't have to teach him how to eat healthily or exercise because he already knows these things. He has his own path and walks it, but it should align with your values and morals. Together, you can grow through a pure and authentic connection that does not compromise time, energy, or draw from either person's sphere (codependency). You each lead independent and passionate lives full of purpose that complement each other, instead of complicating matters or creating discord. 

By sharing values, principles, morals, and a few common goals (while also being aware of what each of you brings to the table), you create a common purpose and lay down a shared foundation. Set goals as a couple to work toward, and don’t neglect your individual personal goals. This is key: stay healthy and remain focused on your true purpose.

Reflecting on my journey, I was doing well until 2017. At that point, I fell into a codependent pattern with my ex due to poor guidance in therapy. I mismanaged the dynamics that were at play. I can either blame that therapist or take responsibility myself. I need to trace back to before all of this, start anew, and be reborn. Time has been wasted. Who is to blame?

One day, I will summarize all this pain and use it as a powerful mechanism to help others like me. I needed to confront darkness and understand what lies at rock bottom, gaining valuable insights in the process. Now, I see with a new perspective, feeling more empathy and possessing a heightened capacity to push forward to evoke change. A woman filled with love, like me, is a bright beacon for the tormented, ashamed, and broken souls who have been discarded by society.

I recognize those who feel shamed, blamed, or maimed. I thought I had seen it all, but now I see more than ever and can summon the strength forged in my dark nights to heal myself. This passion once burst forth during a higher self therapeutic intervention with psilocybin. “Psychology and psychedelics, through therapy and research, lead you to discover your true self.” 

Therapists are healers—not just for themselves, but for those whose paths they align with. The mushrooms revealed this to me in July 2013, just a month before I completed a year-long dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) program. 

While brainstorming new ideas for "DBT groups 2.0" with my best friend, I realized my calling is to create therapeutic formats. I felt fear initially when running my own sessions, but by 2024, I found my footing again and was ready to embrace my work.

However, life had other plans, and I faced more trauma. My ex had threatened to make things "as hard as possible" for me. Why would anyone do this?

7th of April 2008 : post emdr processing

Post EMDR 

 No thought of a person who came to my house uninvited. This divine timing on the afternoon of April 7 2008 when my noose was ready to be hung the following day. Happens as I was writing my final suicide note and the 33rd in that year & a half. This time I was researched, equipped, had the equipment and the resources. Nothing was stopping my longing to hurl myself into the abyss. 

I had the entire playlist for my funeral set out and was burning it onto a CD in the study when he knocked, in his hand one single red rose, a CD & a book as a gift. 

My mother, answered and I refused to talk to him, as he had become my favourite enemy at work. Then she invited him over for dinner. And then she said I had to go with him to be nice for the gifts and he seems like such a nice young man (I did not have a good taste in men and it was rare a nice male presented themselves at my house). 

I went into his car, begrudgingly. Annoyed he had ruined my plans to continue with my CD burning, suicide dying playlist making and that needed more music, and then writing the rest of my suicide note. I wouldn’t have enough time to do all this and then tie up all the things I had to tie up before leaving the earth. 

So he drove us around showing me this CD, he said I could have it. It had a picture of a little girl surrounded by these cloaked figures and the devil and god were mentioned on the cover. He mentioned how much I would enjoy it. 

The one thing we shared was our very niche alternative, progressive experimental emo post rock which was the common hate of our colleagues. 

Who were always taking it away and making us listen to some electronic mainstream horrible jarring stuff. 

We had the tendency to talk about music in depth or debate about artists we liked or disliked and why, and I enjoy that about people so I liked working with him. He also had been mean to be in ways I didn’t understand, but was nice to me one night when we spent time together six months prior and I had dissociated. He and I had kissed, made out. I didn’t find him attractive but I made out with everyone and I was naked in his bed. 

I have been naked in a lot of beds. 

What he did was novel.  When he saw my dissociating, he stopped whatever had been happening and tried to communicate with me by asking if I was okay, I remember that night telling one of the biggest lies of my life when I said “I’m a virgin”. Then he helped me collect each item of my clothing and make sure I had them back on my body, other than people I was dating regularly, nobody I’d just hooked up casually with and frozen up with ever did anything but had lifeless horrible sex with my frozen body. (Apparently that is not even consenting thus they consider it to be rape but that’s still not violent, brutal, sadist rape the way I’ve been raped forcibly).  

His demeanour that night however was not how I see it now. I was angry. Mortified. Humiliated. How dare he question what is going on when I can’t even understand that myself…Then I blacked out again, and woke up at it was 6am. I had to get home. So I fled and he followed me the entire way home on his bike while I remained mute in flight. 

So the six months after that event were misconstrued by workplace bullying and my own issues, his issues and our coworkers suspecting a type of secret affair and blowing it out of proportion to both of us. 

At the point he came to my house I was not expecting it but we had a friendship, so sitting there listening to this CD being told it was going to change my life was different. Jesus Christ, ok. It was the next song Degausser, that blew my heart in a new direction. 

Somehow that song led the entire CD to play its full circle. Then he put the early one on, to compare how it had changed, and we listened to that.

Talking about the depth and growth of the band. I could be a million miles away from the suicide ideation only hours before that consumed every inch of my being. 

Now we put the Devil and God back on while we waited for dinner and drove back home, ate dinner with my family, and even talked some more after dinner into the night outside while I smoked my cigarettes.

By the time he went home it was 10pm. 

Did I still have time to do my suicide preparation? 

But did I even want to anymore when I opened my hip top and saw a text and felt something in my stomach or chest that I’d usually feel with everyone else id cycle through but in a different type of way? 

The suicide urge that had built for a few weeks and lead to my planning death for the day of April 8 2008 was no longer a present desire. 

I made a suicide box instead, which was a storage place I kept all suicide preparing objects for years to come until 2013 when I had to destroy them. Or when they had been exorcised after this. 

I never did attempt to hang myself with that rope, together he and I destroyed it. 

However other items later on accumulating were used for overdoses, cutting & severing my artery and causing blood loss. 

Several other fumes did not work. The most savage thing I have tried in the time after was jumping off a bridge onto a rail track: 

A colossal fail due to no light at night, and rolled in rocks and debris on the side of the rail road track under the bridge instead of the actual track. I laid in the grass or tree area on the side of the rail for hours waiting for a trail to come but it never did come, covered in mud and scratches, ruined clothes. 

I wasn’t carefully planning that attempt, it was a case of a trigger one night at 2am, spur of the moment.

when I was speaking childhood abuse without any support and lacking the help I needed for trauma healing I felt I had exhausted options. I dissociated, I had been so triggered I had hopped onto a train alone to travel 8 hours away to meet a friend. He went to sleep and as soon as he did I bailed for the mountain that looked over the ocean but realised the train was better. It was so dark that night and I was trying to drink alcohol to get ready to face the impact so I was completely off with aim, I had knives out, I had disorganised the room I was staying in, I had slowly been losing it but this night it was completely off the walls lost. 

The alcohol only lead to my emotions firing up, and I had some fixation that I was lured by the person who had triggered me. So I was going to do a dossier to expose them, then live stream the suicide. Yeah so my phone died. This wasn’t a good idea to start with, nor was it thought out like the original suicidal ideation I spent weeks to months to years plotting to take out. 

In the compare and contrast element here we can see the stark difference. 

When I was saved, it was without asking for it. 

When I was begging for help, 

I was left to be tossed to the train tracks by my traumatic stress response which requires true care or support from someone who cares or loves someone else and should never escalate to the moment where suicide is being carried out. 

Infact; the scenario that was April 2008 erased the suicide ideation until around late 2010 which spurred from other things in life. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I had to get the therapy needed for that. I did. But it was more impulsive triggers of emotional dysregulation unlike the planned long term suicidal ideation prior to that. I would respond to a bad situation by attempting to suicide by whatever means. (Parasuicide).   

But the last one, a person, also involved, I asked please help me, was denied not only one time but probably over 40 times. Then resulted in multiple times where I was left to plead and beg for help. Suicide attempts and self destruct active due to being triggered and not supported. I went into treatment had “support” from them but after the treatment was over I moved into a new home, away, had some time and space and after several instances I think I was finally of the notion this is bad.

So I just disengaged, and stayed self focused. Stopped talking as much, stopped engaging and stopped worrying about that person and hoping for them to be apart of my life when they were damaging to my life. 

I have lived a life without them and been fine. if they are real they can act in action to demonstrate. I won’t bother waiting around on human beings who can’t do simple acts of decency. 

What is meant to be happens naturally and without effort. The time my ex showed up at my door is only one tiny example of the beginning to how I started to expect others to show me affection. 

If you care, show you care. Actions speak. The smallest things have the largest impact and help build connections stronger. Depriving communication starves interpersonal relationships & closes the door on it. If you are wanting to move on from a person with #cptsd do the bare minimum and be honest, congruent about it 

So going forward, I can draw on the most deadly example of my suicidal trigger from dark trauma response as a way to gauge relationships in my life. 

Or I can simply be monitoring the small things like active listening, empathy, actions vs words, truth and honesty, congruence, showing up with a rose of Venus, or writing a letter, or simply doing a collaboration. 

I won’t sit and share and not be given equal or more than I know I deserve, end of discussion.