Duality

"Sometimes it feels like there are two contrasting polarities expanding within me. '

One illuminates; the other destroys. 
They are in constant opposition, waging war in my mind, soul, and heart."
Borderline
to Babalon

The other woman. No other woman. Where are the other women like me.

“Those women always seemed like a false character in a mythical fairytale, an illusion. 

No hay banda. 

These women were two-dimensional envelopes, and to me, they always seemed unreal, even as a child. 

As you will begin to learn, infant school was a living hell for me. I acclimatized to how different I was from my same-sex peers and felt dejected and lost. 

I always felt displaced and detached from my peers; like an outsider looking in on another species; from five years old I knew the girls that surrounded me, were somehow different.”

—

Borderline to Babalon, 2017

Borderline to Babalon

 “There are days I wake up, the weight of the world resting on my shoulders. 
I can never remember the carefree bliss of childhood. 
Innocence was not a companion of mine. 
Instead, I was bound by the lacerations of rage, trauma, suffering and mental anguish. 
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t still seethe inside because I am not one of those pure and pristine girls with the perfect straight hair and the flawless and unblemished facade.”
—
Borderline to Babalon

Note to Self

You won’t mysteriously wake up one morning cured from a mental illness, it doesn’t work that way. Life is a battle. Every single day for the remainder of your life is going to be a battle, a fight not only against yourself but also the remainder of society.

But you have to treasure and appreciate the little things about life and savor them, separate yourself from the consensus and reinvent yourself in alignment to your heart’s desire and the will of your soul.

You are here, you are alive, you are breathing. Feel the oxygen rejuvenate your lungs. Feel the sunshine radiating warmth upon your skin. This is it. There is no supreme epiphany awaiting realisation. There is no masqueraded savior coming to rescue you from the despair that swallows you alive. 

If you feel like you’re wandering around this planet aimlessly, then it is your mission to create meaning in the meaningless, vacant void of the abyss. Discover your passion and pursue it relentlessly. Why are we enslaved upon this prison planet? It seems utterly meaningless, I know. I fucking get it. Life is a cruel joke. People are stupid and callous. The system is so fucking wrong, and mental illness is often a byproduct of a sick and twisted society. Suicide seems like the logical solution, but it isn’t. 

You have two choices, one is to take the easy way out and sit around locked up in your room, consumed by apathy as you experience your life vicariously through a t.v/computer screen/media. This is what they want. This turns you into a mindless consumer.

The second is to find your will for being here and use your negative experiences, your pain, your discomfort and your suffering to empower you to actually change the world and make your voice heard. Channel your agony into something constructive. Promote change. Melancholy is your inner voice telling you that something isn’t right in your life, something is pestering your unconscious and something needs to be addressed and dealt with, something needs to change. So fucking listen.

So reflect. Be introspective. Exercise that little organ between your ears. Write. Contemplate reality. Pose questions to the universe. Look up at the sky. Go and lose yourself in the depths of a forest. Stand on the beach listening to the waves crash until time becomes irrelevant. Write. Listen to music. Create music. Paint. Run until you collapse. Create. Fucking find yourself, create yourself. 

I destroyed myself with drugs and self destruction because I was disfigured by the trauma I have endured throughout my life. I lost everything, including my will to live and my ambition. I wandered aimlessly devoid of purpose. Longing for death to swallow me and annihilate my being. I begged and prayed for death to eat me up, but after hours and hours spent tumbling through the depths of the abyss drowning in my despair, I finally realised I was god, and life was only going to be what I created it to be. 

‘Every man and woman is a star’ - Crowley. 

Nothing is going to change if we all just sit here being obedient little consumers watching the powers that be dictate and destroy our lives. They thrive upon your passivity; they thrive upon your inaction.

What are you good at? What are your passions? What fuels your fire? What drives you?

Make a creation from your pain and find meaning in the midst of the suffering. 

The start of a new chapter; DBT outpatient therapy

 I saw my new psychologist this morning. Somehow I ended up talking about my family issues in depth for the first time ever and this resulted in me bursting out in tears at the end of the session. It was painful. DBT group begins next week and part of it involves doing psychotherapy each week for an hour with a therapist for an entire year. I can’t run anymore, I am weak. I can no longer bury the past because every defence mechanism I exhibited to protect myself has only left me more fragmented and broken in the end. They all failed me and left me bleeding and desperate. I will have to confront all those chilling, gut wrenching, petrifying demons that reside within the depths of my subconscious that I have avoided and hidden from for years. My childhood, the one place that terrifies me the most will be brought back to the surface. I am so scared. This is my one last chance to begin my journey to recovery and bury my past once and for all. This is my chance to live, to be liberated from all the self loathing, self destructive, suicidal behaviour I have come to regard as ‘normal’.  We made a list of things I’d like to accomplish by next year through doing DBT, they are just standard things most people take for granted such as talking on the phone to people, going to university, getting my license, being able to work, moving out, having control of my finances, being independent, getting out of bed every day, being able to communicate effectively with the people around me, pursuing my hobbies and interests without the immense anxiety and shit that seems to come naturally to everyone around me. I would never wish this dehabilitating mental illness upon even my worst enemy.