I don’t want to start over at level 0. I don’t want to endure the confusing torment of childhood again. The amount of agony I have endured in this lifetime would render any ‘normal’ person obsolete. I am sure of it. 

There are days where it all accumulates, and I am unable to stop the unrelenting sobs of hysteria from bubbling forth, so I give in and I succumb to the ache. I let the pain swallow me whole, and subsequently a lifetime of repressed hurt and memories spew forth. It is amazing how much pain one person can harbour within the cavity of their chest. It still astounds me how much trauma I can endure without giving up. All I bear is a wound so insurmountable it would be unfathomable to the average mind to even comprehend. It is immeasurable and irrexpressible. 

No action nor word can convey this unrelenting ache permeating my soul. I have searched the depths of this despair for meaning, swum to the surface seeking resolution within this raw agony. Nothing. I have swallowed a concoction of mind altering elixirs to render me whole, or comatose. Still no solution. Only further into this void I was drowned..

All I found was a path to unrelenting passion and purpose, which forces me to persist despite all adversity the universe throws at me. All this opposition I have endured has only moulded my determination, and sharpened my willpower- now I am driven to succeed at any cost, failure is not an option. It is do or die. 

At moments like these I know exactly why the suicide rate for this illness is so high,sometimes it feels like there is no place in this world for me, that I am destined to be an outsider living on the fringes of society for the remainder of my life,that I will endure this haunting isolation until the universe implodes on itself. 

I am so intensely sensitive and fragile that the tiniest trigger will render me immobilized by my own worst fears manifesting before me. In these dark moments, I honestly believe that death would be the only resolution for my pain. But it is within this suicidal agony that I find hope,because I hold onto the hope that I am not alone in this battle,I know there are others on this planet who share the same pain. I know I am not isolated in this experience. That same will to die, burdened by this acute hypersensitivity, perpetual feeling of solitude and misunderstanding. 

Why must we all fight this never-ending battle alone any longer? I seek to commune the souls of those who suffer like I do, and transform their agony into purpose. 

In this moment I resolve to live, to pave the way for survival for my kind of soul. I will reinvent the archetype of this disorder,and transmutate us from helpless victims into powerful warriors. My will is to help other sensitive souls thrive in a world carved by mechanical soulnessness and malicious superficiality. A world that is invalidating to the very essence of our core. My will is to help those who suffer. I know the depths of this pain so well, these angst is familiar to me, and that familiarity induces a nauseating climax within my chest. Reminding me that it has spanned across lifetimes. But I endure it all and traverse shards of glistening malice, for the hope of reaching out and helping someone else who feels just as alone, sitting on the edge of death in times of despair. No one should ever have to feel this way, no one. This is a pain so intense it surpasses depression, it pales against anxiety and it makes solitude seem warm and comfortable in comparison. I know it, oh so well. I will outlive it, to help you.

One day it will be worth it, saving a life that was otherwise engulfed by the angst of existence, providing companionship to someone on the precipice of life and death. Giving hope to someone who has lost all will to live. 

These moments where I can extend my limitless empathy and utilize it, because I have the capacity to feel the pain I see in others,to show them how to find meaning within the ache, will be the day I have succeeded in adhering to my will. For we are all carved with a unique configuration that aligns us on a path in this life, and those who feel devoid of purpose only need the guiding hand of another to validate their experience and lead them towards refining their true potential and essence. I seek to quench their suffering in anyway I can. I seek to be for others what has always been absent from my life. I seek to validate, to build up and to reassure those who feel like aliens in this world; the sensitive souls,the wounded empaths, the battered and broken beings with too much love to give, who were born into this three dimensional prison of devoid of soul. 

I love you all, and I am here for you. I ride out another night of soul shaking sobs and existential despair for you. I stay alive one more day to slay this mechanical matrix for you. To override the control system. To reprogram this reality that seeks to annihilate our authenticity. I stay here for you, to recreate the paradigm that would rather render us obsolete. I have a will and I will die adhering to it. For if I give up, and succumb to death,then I am not only letting myself down, but I am letting down thousands of likeminded souls who I could of assisted.

Do what thou wilt thou shall be whole of the law, thou has no law but to do thy will. Love is the law, love under will.