Flashbacks on the south coast

 I just awoke from one of the most savage flashbacks to occur yet. My stomach is twisting and turning with the most malicious nausea. I am fighting with every bone in my body not to gag and retch my guts, blood and most sacred secrets all over the place. It began with being situated in the childhood neighborhood where I lived from the ages of 3 until 8. (Oddly enough the abuse occurred from about 3 until I was 7). I was trapped here for the majority of the dream, I saw my cat being tortured by my old neighbors, I entered my childhood home… Oh it has been awhile since I have entered this realm, the realm of the forbidden, the foreboding, the ferocious and the downright frightening. An ancient palace laced with macabre meaning and cryptic clues. In the dream we were at some kind of religious festival. ( which I interpret as being a family gathering), songs were being sung and everyone was high on blissful transcendence. To them I was invisible, yet I was his ultimate conquest. The entire time he kept whispering dirty , snide comments into my ear. My goal was to get away from his sodomizing embrace, yet through all the meddled names and faces he would prevail with his filth laden comments and long, spiny greed fueled fingers. He was dressed in priest attire. “I want to pop your tight little pussy” were the words he regurgitated violently in my ears, he bent me over, pulled down my pants, penetrating me relentlessly, death moving inside of me, burning my innocence alive, I bled my chastity and naivety all over the floor. I didn’t fucking know any better. The next time we were at a family event down at Kiama, he was there, there was a teepee tent set up for the kids. He pursued me inside and forced my mouth upon his manhood until I was gagging, choking and retching. Then it flashed to my youngest brothers christening which took place at my childhood home, I was watching myself from afar through some kind of video I was being forced to perform in. Everything else was clear: i haven’t been able to access the inside of that house since we moved out in 1999, but here it was as vivid and clear as day. I cannot even bring myself to divulge the sickening details that occurred at this point in time, it is honestly too graphic for my mind to process right now. I am shaking senselessly, my heart is palpitating violently. I need to go and shower to cleanse myself of his sly touch lingering on my skin. I need to eliminate the filth he clogged my young mind, body and soul with. It is chasing me, pursuing me relentlessly through the night, and I must stand here and submit to it, alone. My demons are here, screaming my name and beckoning me to confrontation.

Fuck. I am legitimately frightened. I cannot come to terms with this bullshit, fuck this shit.