The start of a new chapter; DBT outpatient therapy

 I saw my new psychologist this morning. Somehow I ended up talking about my family issues in depth for the first time ever and this resulted in me bursting out in tears at the end of the session. It was painful. DBT group begins next week and part of it involves doing psychotherapy each week for an hour with a therapist for an entire year. I can’t run anymore, I am weak. I can no longer bury the past because every defence mechanism I exhibited to protect myself has only left me more fragmented and broken in the end. They all failed me and left me bleeding and desperate. I will have to confront all those chilling, gut wrenching, petrifying demons that reside within the depths of my subconscious that I have avoided and hidden from for years. My childhood, the one place that terrifies me the most will be brought back to the surface. I am so scared. This is my one last chance to begin my journey to recovery and bury my past once and for all. This is my chance to live, to be liberated from all the self loathing, self destructive, suicidal behaviour I have come to regard as ‘normal’.  We made a list of things I’d like to accomplish by next year through doing DBT, they are just standard things most people take for granted such as talking on the phone to people, going to university, getting my license, being able to work, moving out, having control of my finances, being independent, getting out of bed every day, being able to communicate effectively with the people around me, pursuing my hobbies and interests without the immense anxiety and shit that seems to come naturally to everyone around me. I would never wish this dehabilitating mental illness upon even my worst enemy.