Musings on my Soul Fragmentation & Incarnation

 Soul loss and BPD: 

Given a ‘BPD’ diagnosis is generally a combination of invalidating (usually coupled with severe trauma) childhood experiences, and biological genetic predisposition. I feel it is relatively safe to conclude that my inherent existential dread, incessant 'god is dead’ sentiments and being barred from 'enlightenment’, is not simply the symptom of a faulty biochemical reaction in my brain, or merely 'depression’; but rather a complex spiritual malady that manifests with an array of symptoms that conform to a BPD diagnosis. Having a 'disorded personality’, means soul loss is major component of shamanism that resonates with me.

Trauma is a major cause of soul fragmentation and subsequent soul loss. 

Recent meditations have enabled me to conclude that my soul has suffered not only in this life, but endlessly across the span of past incarnations. 

With each incarnation the damage compiles, and thus when my energy body was disfigured and disconnected from reality in this current life from childhood sexual abuse; my energy field was torn apart, allowing all the traumas from previous incarnations to flood into my fragmented self and follow me forth into this lifetime. 

This lifetime is where I contend with an eternal accumulation of pain. 

For years I have searched endlessly for the missing link between my BPD and spirituality. Only recently did the concept of soul retrieval become apparent. 

Upon exiting my mothers womb, my paternal grandmother snapped me up moments after the doctors had cleaned me, and severed the umbilical cord. She attempted to 'kidnap’ me from the hospital. This never allowed me that initial bond with my mother. The perfect sentiments of disconnection enabled the development of a disordered, fragmented personality, which manifested eventually as an array of severe mental illnesses. 

My fathers family lineage is deeply rooted in occultism and freemasonry. My paternal grandmother was dismissed by the rest of my family at the time of my birth for being in a “transient psychosis” as a result of trauma from her estranged, manic depressive ex husband. Although given her inclination to participate in mediumship, séances and converse with the dead, I am now inclined to think she was under some deeper spiritual influence when she attempted to take me from the hospital that day of my birth.

This same person (my grandmother) was also responsible for introducing me to the man who sexually abused me. In retrospect, I now believe my incarnation was intended to follow a path in which childhood and adolescent traumas would enable me to tackle deeper seated issues residing deep at the core of my broken spirit. 

The notion of being born into a family who is deeply tied into the occult, mediumship, secret societies and freemasonry from both parents sides, allowed me free reign to formulate my spiritual beliefs and satiate my thirst for knowledge, leading to my current spiritual paradigm. 

Psychic abilities, supernatural experiences and hauntings were merely 'the norm’ amongst my family. 

Although my personal puzzle is still incredibly disjointed, today has revealed a large portion of missing information that allows me to rekindle many of the synchronicities and mysterious life events that have been lamenting my existence since my inception.

And thus this perplexing journey unravels.(to be continued later on when I have more intel).