INTRO: PSYCHOTIC BITCH

 
If you read, you'll judge. SO FUCK OFF.
 
 
22/2/09
 
Incessant, consistent bordering temperamental, unpredictable A BLUR:
If I have to choose a collection of adjectives to describe the onset of this year, those would be my chosen few.
 
CHAOS.
 
Regardless of the rollercoaster worthy joy start + my chin is well above the ground and my heart is still beating heavily. 
 
I DEFY ALL SCIENCE.  
I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE.
 
If I rewound the tick-tock clock and set it to playback the events of the past seven months, plus add a vile and disruptive little monster who cunningly asks the -7 month ago me whether she'd picture her circumstance to be drawn the way it is at current, I would of honestly told that rude and intrusive little monster that I would be a world away from here. 
 
DEAD. 
 
Regardless, I'm glad of the insipid destination which I've landed in. 
 
I spent the first 44 days of this year off my head on drugs.
 
EMPLOYED TO SELF-DESTRUCT AT ANY AND ALL COSTS. Even while I study and work. 
 
You want to know the truth though?
 
I feel like I've been reborn. 
 
Despite my "oh-so-obvious" junkie quota being fulfilled, I am more mentally stable than I've been in a very long time. 
 
Lie out my tarot cards and offer me a million dollars to reveal my future and I'll still tell you to fuck off. Fate isn't real. Nothing can be predetermined. 
 
Time is interchangeable and a flexible masterpiece. 
 
Anything is possible, this rollercoaster ride is becoming more wild by the macro-second.
 
The tunnel we're lurching through is poisoned with pitch black inevitability. 
 
I am my own god, don't try and bring me down with a kingdom of deceit.
 
This isn't real
This isn't real
This isn't REAL
This isn't REAL.
 
ASHAMED.
 
Time goes to waste

Ashamed is something that I've scrunched up and thrown away into the past.

****

accidental recovery arose from this period of intentional self annihilation.