Turning my trauma into triumph, an alchemical process of transforming my wounds to strengths. 

My wounds are my weapon. 

My story is my sword. 

My truth is my testimony. 

My trauma my transmutation; my alchemical victory. 

the lead is turned to gold by the inner world of my healing, recovery, self reflection, writing my pain in words to weave a way to endure the darkest hours. 

to see my struggle is showing me, others who may be on a path of secrets, survival, suicide & self annihilation. May one day I share my sacrifices to see solutions, or strategies, or something I never had the luxury or comfort for my own path... the shared collaboration of creativity, compassion, courage & connection. The community to be a corrective healing collective. 

I as the wounded healer, warrior, a heroine forced to heal. Healing was my only choice when the death path ended in repeating survival. Self destruction, self hate; self annihilation; are the struggles I saw to be my glimpse into my future. For childhood, without a secret or story, caused my mind, soul & spirit to dissociate to cope. 

Creative way for children to leave the world and wake up a new person they may play “roles” as skills as a hollyhell actor. To survive, to see the end of that bad time into the next. Days of daydreaming for my next persona, a woman, girl, character or masquerade with a plot and life story, that was a detailed deviation from any realm of what I was really experiencing. 

So dissociative trauma was a creative child who would survive hell. To be dissociative is a life lived in pixels of motionless retrograde.  A lapse of time, space or place living a life of moment of survival, secrets and stories never spoken. Blurred into a fantasy of “who may be me ideally if I couldn’t be like the real me”. 

Secrets, yes, secrets and smile to placate will get a Child like me, alo the way to the puberty. A sexual  awakening that was supposed to be a innocence reclaiming rite, was only dirtier, grimier and more overt than the early childhood wounds. 

The rite becomes a real rape. when a child so lost. The child held one hope: Sexual body parts can save you from the sexualisation you endured in early childhood. 

This child, me, us, our parts and psyche splits all forced in a suicide death plot due to the awakening of natural biology. So as a child, I came to cope with  anorexia nervosa, obsessive compulsive disorder, body dysmorphic disorders, panic disorder, anxiety so constant I was nauseous on a 24/7-365 basis. 

I called the shots until I turned 8-9. That was when the mental health and psychiatric dx came to run my rain, behaviour and biology. 

I was anorexic, nervosa. Meaning nervous by means of starvation. 

I was obsessive compulsive, hyper vigilant and plagued by pain, panic & the insomnia, sleep walking (later told to be a disorder of dissociative fugue/amnesia and time loss). 

 In this time I starved self to sustain a sense of control of my anxious and obsessive mind, feelings and thoughts. I entered high school one person, but by the end of year 7 I come to anorexia by number, weight and being restricted in intake; exsessive exercise to control binges, and write this day by day log for many years. My weight went from 29kg - 45kg and I wanted 35kg. My world was this plus my  razor self cope calming cuts, my secrets noted to my secret holding silence. No doctor or psychologist or psychiatrist could break my silence but they drugged me, defiled me, monitored and put my life into a rat maze. I have a diagnosis: anorexia, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, borderline, dissociative identify, OCD, panic disorder, I’m even listed as not psychotic. Meaning, I was tested from a young age by many people. And brain images indicate a neurological structure aligned to ADHD.

My traumas and the gifted intelligence I was pushed back to deny... is a dichotomy in my adhd brain, gifted child, never hitting the peak or caring long term. 

I hate medication 

Mental health and psychopathology of behaviour, how to treat it is my focus. 

I Did not understand why, me? Know or see or feel safe to be me. So how I behaved as a teenager growing up, reflected a false self social adaptation from self hate driving my sfhooo life to “be like anyone else pure and pretty and proper”. 

I share my story to you. A story of mental health treatment that spans over 20+ years and was a very lonely, sad & solitary intro to teenage life. My adolescence spent homeless, in many days per week therapy, under doctors surveillance. My family unable to be given any way or method or medicine to heal my messy mind. 

Mental health and mental illness did it’s time, and as a survivor. I was in rehabs and hospitals from teenager to now. I saw the ugly side of public mental health and the revolving and evolving private health rehabs that are both expensive, but more effective. Medical? I can’t begin. 

Mental illness was my driving force and it lead me to now. 

A client who finally, could come and say, a testimony for positive work that wSbl  who saw a possible solution by my life in recovery, or rehabilitation clinics or groups.   questioned and obsessively  the medical model that has been my ONLY constant for 20 years + is always my

Weapons; wounds: wisdom

in my artistic expression the aim is to cultivate my own recovery, integration and liberation from multigenerational dissociation and trauma. an experimental creative alchemy. Founder and pioneer of the Trauma Informed Truth Alliance; which embraces interpersonal neurobiology and va balance of both empirical based neuroscience research balanced with holistic wellness. I am simultaneously in recovery from complex developmental trauma which was diagnosed as a mental illness under the medical model of psychiatric thought. I am also a trained psychotherapist and have the unique perspective of being both a client and therapist; patient and practitioner; enabling enhanced empathy and attune. to the journey that a client experiences on the road to seeking treatment for the symptoms that manifest as a myriad of behavioural and emotional ways. This double edged understanding gives me a deep insight into the diverse struggles clients present with. I draw on my lived experience to attune and connect to listen as they share the story behind the symptom; drawing on the individual strengths each client has, to empower and enhance the therapeutic alliance.